For love of English

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In my previous post I mentioned my love for the English language.  That serves as a nice segue into this post.  Can you imagine someone born of another country, for whom English is a 2nd or 3rd language, trying to make sense of the following sentences?  Can YOU read all of them aloud correctly the first time through?

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.
• Please polish the Polish furniture.
• He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does strange antics when does are around.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.
• I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• I need to intimate this blog post to my most intimate friend?

Because we've used it since we first learned how to speak, we take English for granted, but I sometimes imagine how difficult it must be for the many East Indian contractors at my place of employment.  Seriously, English can be one crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and no apple or pine in pineapple.  English muffins were not invented in England.  French fries did not originate in France.  We take all these words for granted, but for those new to English, these words must be the reason why the curse words are usually the first words they learn.


And then there are the paradox words.  We know that quicksand works slowly at sucking you down into it.  Boxing rings are square in shape.  A Guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it really a species of pig.


And who decided what the verb forms would be when derived from nouns?  Why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, hammers don't ham, and jewelers don't jewel.  And what's with the plurality of certain words?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?  One goose, two geese.  So therefore, one moose, two meese?  Is it just me or is it nuts that you can makes amends, but you can't make only 1 amend - there has to be more than one wrong to correct it?  And what if you have a bunch of odds and ends - what do you call it when you discard all but one of them?


If what teachers did in the past was "taught", do we call what preachers did in the past, "praught"?  Why do people recite a play and play at a recital?  How can slim and fat be exact opposites, but a slim chance and a fat chance both mean the same damn thing?  Yet a wise guy and a wise man are at the opposite ends of the spectrum.  You simply have to marvel at the unique lunacy in the English language in which your house can burn up as it burns down.


An American comedian, Steven Wright, has made his fortune with routines and skits that play on the nuttiness of the English langauge.


Why is English not considered a language of morons then?  BECAUSE . . . English was invented by real people, not computers.  Like its creators, it evolved over time to accomodate and reflect all the nuances of its creators, the human race . . . which of course, is really just a collection of people and not a race at all.  Go figure.